Quick Proofreading.

[Calli]

I'm in an AP French class in high school, and need help proofreading my character's speech. I'd like to know if there are any mistakes or awkward phrases in this short passage. The subject is supposed to be a designer asking a model to wear one of his designs, and he's pointing out some of them during a party.

(Edit to add: Admittedly, I did use a translator for some bits, so I'm a bit worried about how it sounds.)

 

The passage is:

 

"Alors… maintenant. Est-il quelque chose dans cette foule qui vous intéresse, Audrey? Sûr, aucun de mes robes sont exactement les mêmes. Mais, si une certaine couleur intérêts régime vous …"

 

("Well now. Are you interested in something in the crowd, Audrey? Of course, none of my dresses are exactly the same, but if a certain color scheme interests you...")

 

^^ Thank you so much in advance <3

[Erwan]

I propose you a translation which is not really literal.

 

"Alors...maintenant. Est-ce que vous voyez quelque chose qui vous intéresse dans tout ça, Audrey?

Bien sûr, aucune de mes robes ne se ressemblent, mais si vous êtes plus intéressées par/portées sur une couleur en particulier..."

 

As you said, some words sound weird (e.g. the sentence with "régime")

[Calli]

Thank you so much for this!

Is there anything specific I did wrong here, to avoid so in the future? Or was it just a case of not knowing enough and being too literal as you said?

[Erwan]

here some small mistakes :

Est-il-> Y a-t-il

aucun -> aucune (because it refers to robes which is feminine)

 

In my translation, i use "tout cela" for "crowd" instead of "la foule" because it sounds weird (I see it as someone choosing people instead of dresses!!!) in the sentence but the context could be useful to find the right/best word. If you want to use "foule" then you can say "...dans cette foule".

[Touré]

Good translation. However, I'd leave intéressées par/portées singular, since it refers to the model.

So it would be:

"Alors...maintenant. Est-ce que vous voyez quelque chose qui vous intéresse dans tout ça, Audrey?

Bien sûr, aucune de mes robes ne se ressemblent, mais si vous êtes plus intéressée par/portée sur une couleur en particulier..."

 

Hope it helps.

[Erwan]

You're right. It's rookie mistake.

[Touré]

;) No worries.

[Calli]

^^ Thank you, both of you.