Check out my poem (parody)

[LiXiQing]

It is a parody on bad and awkward poèmes d’amour.

Nevertheless it is a parody it has to have sense and follow poetry rules, such as syllable count and stress.

I think all these points can be improved, so you may help me to do it.

Je vous aime trop

ma belle

mademoiselle!

Je vois vos yeux

brillants

dans le ciel!

Ils sont la Lune

et le Soleil

que j’fixe!

La seule chose dont

j’ai peur c’est de –

l’éclipse!

[George Hunt]

I think 

"Ils sont la Lune " would have to be "Ce sont la Lune...." anyway.

Not sure if you could use "ma belle 'demoiselle" (maybe a bit of a joke as it is also a kind of fish_

Don't ask me for poetry arrangements. I don't have that in the cupboard....

[Chantal Savignat]

It's a nice poem. If you didn't say it's a parody I didn't think it's one.

to have sense : yes the whole poem has sense.

it's easier to say "ma belle demoiselle"  and it's more usual. But "ma belle mademoiselle" is right.  And with demoiselle or with mademoiselle, there are 10 syllables.

count syllable : 1 - 3  and 4 have 10 but  2 has  only 9.

que j’fixe!  sounds odd. But the idea and the sense with soleil - lune and eclipse are very good.

[LiXiQing]

thank you guys I appreciate your assistance

[George Hunt]

You are quite welcome.