Check this translation of song lyrics...

[LeRoi Sparks]

Hi

I'm trying to adjust a French translation of English lyrics for a song, so that it rhymes.

EDIT: It's now a hybrid version of both languages (see below for the lyrics). I removed "glisser" as per our discussion and replaced it with filer or aller.

Could anyone please point out if anything is wrong? NB: Being a song, I'm limited to the number of words/syllables for each line, so it's got to fit. 

Thanks,

LeRoi

“Trop Tard” – “Too Late” - HYBRID Version.

   By Trinity Square Band (c) 2011/2012
 

VERSE 1:

 

J'ai pris le tram.... back in ‘93 (Caught the tram… back in ’93),

T’es embarquee après la rue de ‘Baker street’. (You got on after Baker Street.)

Quand la pluie nous a attrapés ... by surprise. (When the rain caught us by surprise) ALT: Comme la pluie nous a pris ... by surprise > is that correct french?)

J’ai vue quelque chose... in your eyes. (I could see something… in your eyes.)

J'ai figé! ([Then] I froze.)

What could I say?

[C’est quand] je t’ai.. laissé filer!  (Now I let you slip away!) ALT: [C’est quand] je t’ai.. laissé aller!— [That's when I let you go.]

 

CHORUS:

C’est trop tard! (It’s too late!)

Baby, c’est trop tard! (Baby, it’s too late!)

J’aurais pu dire, “Je vous aime,” (I could have said, “I like you,“ (I'd actually prefer, 'I should have said, 'I like you.' - if the french translation could fit well?))

À ce… moment-là. (At that moment [then].)

It’s been.. too long, (ALT: Ca fait... too long,)

J'aurais dû dire au départ, (I could have said at the start. (Or: I should have said at the start - again, if the french for 'should' would work well here?))

"Tu es celle- pour- moi". ("You're the one for me.")

[Mais] Baby ([But] Baby)

Baby, c’est trop- tard!  (Baby, it’s too late!)

 

VERSE 2:

Y’a des années, dupuis that fateful smile … (It’s been years, since that fateful smile.)

T’as ta famille … and so do I. (You have your family ...and so do I.)

Je me demende souvent …when it rains, (I often wonder, when it rains,)

What would happen if I saw- you again?

Est-ce que je t’appellerais ? Oserais-tu me voir ? (Would I call you? Would you dare to see?)

Est-ce que tu te rappellerais de moi? (Or would you even remember me?)

 

CHORUS:

C’est trop tard! (It’s too late!)

Baby, c’est trop tard! (Baby, it’s too late!)

J’aurais pu dire, “Je t’aime,” (I could have said, “I love you,“)

À ce… moment-là. (At that moment, then.)

It’s been.. too long 

J'aurais dû dire au départ (I could have said at the start.)

Qu tu es celle- pour- moi. (That you’re the one for me.)

[Mais,] Baby, baby, c’est trop- tard. ([But,] Baby, it’s too late!)

 

END SECTION:

It’s too late…

C’est trop tard...

I should have told you back then.

C’est trop tard.

J’aurais pu dire, “Je vous aime”.

C’est trop tard.

I made a big mistake.

J’aurais pu dire, “Je t’aime”.

-or- Il aurait pu être suprême. (It could have been supreme. (?))

Can we try it again?

I should have called you back then...

<fade>

Thanks again for any help on this. :)

- LeRoi

[George Hunt]

1: to me "glisser" sounds too much like "slide" (a bit Hitchcockian)  and I would go more likely with "filer" (or maybe something else) .  I am sure I  "glisser" could be used -although (to me) it just sounds a little too contrived for normal usage.

 

2: I prefer "figé" -think I have heard it used like that ."Gelé"  sounds too literal to me.

[Neil Coffey]

I think in (1), you'd need to add an extra expression, e.g. "Je t'ai laissé glisser entre mes doigts". Hopefully some of our French colleagues will have some ideas.

In (2), "figer" is the appropriate verb, though remember it would be pronominal ("se figer"). So e.g. "À ce moment-là, je me suis figé sur place".

Note that "Puis" is more commonly used to indicate a succession of things in the middle of a sentence-- I'm not sure it would be used much at the start of a sentence with the meaning intended here. I'd suggest "à ce moment-là" but if you do prefer "puis", I tihnk it's better to at least prefix it with "Et": "Et puis...".

[Neige]

1 : I would say "laisser filer" too. Just "laisser partir"/ "laisser t'en aller" could also work but it is less poetic for the translation of a song.

2 : For "then I froze, you can also say "Alors, je me suis figé".

[LeRoi Sparks]

Okay, so I've changed my topic around a bit and put the lyrics where the question is - hopefully makes it easier for anyone to, well, help me out. :) Please and thanks. :)